By Patrick Hardeman – In and Out of Darkness

“Equality without accountability is chaos.

Compassion without balance is bias.”

If you believe men are your enemy, then you might be the problem.

Suffering has been monopolized.

Offense has been monopolized.

Somehow, men have become the one group society feels comfortable dismissing, mocking, or ignoring when they hurt. Even honest women who recognize this imbalance are labeled traitors for daring to acknowledge male suffering.

Before we go further, let me be clear: I am a feminist – a real one. I believe in equality, not special treatment or zero accountability. I love and respect many women, and I’ve raised a strong, intelligent daughter. My call for fairness is not against women; it’s against hypocrisy.

The Rise of Toxic Feminism

We’ve all heard of toxic masculinity, a term that quickly became a cultural weapon. But what about toxic feminism – the mindset that paints all men as oppressors, predators, or problems waiting to happen?

Many men are now afraid to speak about misandry or even defend themselves against false accusations. Society has grown comfortable labeling masculinity as a flaw instead of a force for good. Meanwhile, the voices calling for true equality are drowned out by the noise of gender hostility.

When Accountability Disappears

We live in a time when being provocative or hyper-sexualized is celebrated – but men who set boundaries or express preferences are publicly shamed. A man who chooses not to date a woman with an extensive sexual past is suddenly labeled insecure or misogynistic. Yet, isn’t discernment a human right?

We all understand the concept of value and preservation in other areas of life – cars, homes, even food. But the moment men apply standards in their relationships, society attacks them for having them.

The same contradiction appears in age–gap relationships. Men are often called “predators” or “creeps” for dating younger women – even when those relationships are healthy and consensual. Meanwhile, older women dating men half their age are praised as “empowered” or “living their best lives.”

You can’t have equality without equal judgment. Either both scenarios are acceptable, or both deserve the same scrutiny.

The Forgotten Victims

Let’s address the elephant in the room: men suffer too.

According to the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), men experience meaningful rates of intimate partner violence and sexual abuse. Yet, they rarely report it – often because there are few services available, or because they fear being mocked, disbelieved, or blamed.

False accusations – including false paternity claims – destroy lives, yet the legal system offers almost no accountability for the accusers. The imbalance is staggering. Cultural narratives about gender and victimhood have become so one-sided that men often receive little empathy or protection when they themselves are victims of violence or abuse.

The Black Male Experience

For Black men, the imbalance is even more severe. In America, Black males have long faced systemic bias – but now, they’re often targeted from within their own communities as well. Cultural guilt, social media narratives, and political agendas have made it easier than ever to vilify the Black male image. The result? Entire generations of men growing up believing they are disposable.

Even love has become political. When a Black man chooses to love someone outside his race, he’s called a sellout – accused of abandoning his roots. But when a Black woman dates outside the community, she’s praised for being independent and liberated. The hypocrisy is obvious.

To be clear, my message isn’t an excuse for those who tear down their own community while chasing validation from others. I have no respect for the modern-day “Uncle Ruckus” types – the ones who praise ignorance and sell out Black awareness for the comfort of acceptance. They’re quick to condemn their own people without evidence, yet just as quick to defend white supremacy even when the truth is undeniable.

Loving outside your race isn’t betrayal. But abandoning your heritage, mocking your roots, or becoming an apologist for oppression is. There’s a difference between love that’s inclusive and loyalty that’s for sale.

And here’s the truth: if everyone ultimately comes from Black, then how is loving anyone outside the community not an extension of self–love? Saying a Black man isn’t “pro-Black” because he loves someone of another race is as absurd as claiming that if I enjoy Italian lasagna, I can no longer love soul food.

This kind of thinking isn’t cultural pride – it’s insecurity disguised as loyalty. It’s immaturity trying to masquerade as consciousness. If your message of “Black unity” can only be spoken to Black people, then it dies with us. True awareness, true love, and true equality must extend beyond our boundaries – or they mean nothing at all. We didn’t get in our current predicament by ourselves; and obviously we’re not getting out of it by ourselves.

Selective Loyalty and the Death of Accountability

I refuse to support someone just because they look like me or share my gender. Accountability shouldn’t depend on identity. Yet, we live in a time when many defend bad behavior – no matter how damaging – simply because the offender belongs to their “team.”

Others will ignore overwhelming evidence of wrongdoing and build an avalanche of excuses to protect the guilty. But equality without accountability is chaos. Justice means calling out wrongs wherever they appear, even when it’s uncomfortable. Blind loyalty keeps the cycle of harm alive.

A Call for Balanced Compassion

This isn’t an attack on women or any group. It’s a plea for balance – for empathy that isn’t filtered through gender or race.

A man’s suffering deserves the same compassion as a woman’s.

A father’s tears deserve the same concern as a mother’s.

A false accusation should be condemned with the same energy as real abuse.

Real equality means equal accountability, equal protection, and equal empathy.

Until we restore that balance, the so-called “war of the sexes” will keep burning like wildfire – destroying families, communities, and the humanity we all share.

“If your truth can only survive inside your circle, it was never truth – it was comfort.”

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