If it was solely up to society, there might be a impenetrable amount of licks to get to the truth; with how often confronting harmful behaviors, only to be met with rationalizations, deflections, and excuses. “Everywhere we turn–families, governments, corporations, friendships–we’re licking at layers of denial, justification, and gaslighting. But how many licks does it take to finally reach accountability?”

The Culture of Excuse-Making: There’s so many unsavory behaviors that have not only been normalized but socially acceptable damn near every like a Visa card. Though, certain groups have a strong monopoly on that slice of the pie based on identity, power dynamics, or emotional manipulation. “She’s doing her best,“ versus the truth of toxic parenting. “That’s just business,“ while justifying corporate greed robbing their employees and also we the customers. “He/She are from a different generation,“ to excuse racism or sexism or stupidity… “They mean well,“ as a way to ignore emotional abuse in families. Somehow, the truth no longer became socially acceptable against the wealthy accounts of excuses. This is a very big problem rooted in empathy or cultural norms as a shield from consequences.

Who Gets the Pass? Beyond the Rich and Famous there’s, Mothers vs. Fathers: Cultural deification of motherhood often leads to ignoring the damage caused by emotionally neglectful, abusive, and or narcissistic mothers that hold their innocent kids hostage for financial and social support for acknowledgments; regardless if earned or not. Governments & Institutions: Evasive language (“mistakes were made…”) that avoids ownership. Regardless, the government investigates the government, and fines itself, to pay itself, to continue business as usual for itself; then the masses of programmed citizens will argue with each other versus demanding the government does what its mandated to do and perform. Friends & Family: The “but they’re family“ argument that enables despicable behaviors; however, the same people want the book thrown at anyone else doing the exact same things. (Hmmmm.) No one better harm an innocent animal (exception: a bored white kid and missing or abused animals); but when society labels the Black community as animals they aren’t jumping on the microphone demanding “Stop the torture of innocence“. Women in Power: How feminism is sometimes co-opted to shield many women from valid criticism (e.g., “You’re just uncomfortable with a strong woman“), they can rip anyone to shreds with insults or rudeness; yet if anyone responds they however are sexiest or a chauvinistic pig, or any other misused phrases.

The Toll of Avoiding Accountability: Avoiding accountability might feel like a short–term solution– less conflict, less discomfort, less confrontation. But over time, this avoidance extracts a much higher cost. When we allow harmful behaviors to go unchecked– whether in families, institutions, friendships, or entire governments– we don’t maintain peace; we prolong dysfunction. Excusing a toxic parent today often creates emotionally stunted adults tomorrow. When “that’s just how Mom is“ becomes rather mantra, children grow up learning to suppress their needs, questions their reality, or carry guilt that was never their to begin with. That learned silence doesn’t stay confined to the home– it echoes in relationships, workplaces, and future parenting. Victims are re-wounded by silence. When harmful behaviors is explained away instead of addressed, it sends a message: the comfort of the offender is more important than the healing of the hurt. This is particularly damaging in marginalized communities, where systemic abuses– like police violence, medical neglect, or workplace discrimination– are met with bureaucratic brush–offs rather than meaningful change. Silence, in these cases, is not neutral; it is complicity. Without accountability, people don’t just fail to change– they often become more emboldened. Bad bosses stay bad. Abusive partners escalate. Governments repeat the same bad choices with new branding. Without consequences, dysfunction is recycled; renamed, and reintroduced as “the way things are.“ Trust erodes, and cynicism takes root: When institutions or loved ones dodge responsibility, the people who rely on them stop believing in fairness, in justice, or even in the point of speaking up. Apathy becomes the emotional residue of unacknowledged harm. Why bother telling the truth if no one intends to do anything about it? Ultimately, avoiding accountability doesn’t preserve harmony – it delays healing. It turns pain into patterns, silence into scars, and missed apologies into missed opportunities. Until we confront the real damage of excuse–making, we will remain stuck in the same cycles, wondering how many licks will it take – not just to reach accountability but to earn trust back?

Historical Example: The Tuskegee Syphilis Study From 1932 to 1972, the U.S. Public Health Service conducted a study in Tuskegee, Alabama, where Black men that had or given syphilis were deceived and denied treatment – even after penicillin became the standard cure. The goal was to observe the progression of the disease, regardless of the human cost. ( For example, when Canada opened schools for the Native children, starving them to figure out the nutritional value of scale) For 40 years, government officials rationalized the study under the guise of medical research. These men lived in torture until their horrible deaths by their very own government, including respected doctors and nurses. When the truth finally emerged, there were vague apologies– but no meaningful reparations for the families affected. The lack of early accountability shattered trust in the medical system among Black Americans, a distrust that persists today. (The rightfully earned lack of trust that continues today with the despicable way the American medical system still treats Black patients versus White.) This wasn’t about one study– it was about the lasting trauma that comes from institutions protecting themselves rather than the people they claim to serve.

The Difference Between Understanding and Excusing: Empathy without accountability is not compassion– it’s enablement. Context matters– it helps us respond with empathy rather than vengeance. (But context is not a hall pass.) Excusing, on the other hand, halts progress. This is especially important in relationships– familial, romantic, or professional– where people will often weaponize their trauma to avoid taking responsibility. Statements like: “You know I have anxiety“ or “I didn’t have good role models“ or “I had kids while young“ are meant to explain behavior, but too often used to dismiss the consequences of it. Emotional self–awareness should lead to growth– not exemption. Understanding centers healing. Excusing centers comfort. The goal of real empathy is not to protect people from discomfort but to lead them through it toward change. Accountability isn’t about punishment- it’s about truth, repair, and transformation. When we excuse instead of understand, we keep everyone stuck: The harmed never receive acknowledgment. The harmer never has to grow. The community learns to stay silent, because truth becomes too inconvenient to tell.

What Real Accountability Looks Like: Acknowledgment of harm done. Ownership without excuses. Restitution or tangible amends. Commitment to change. No more hiding behind it’s my family, or my wife, or my job, my president, My, My, My Johnny Gill. “Real accountability doesn’t come from biting through the candy shell, but patiently confronting each layer with truth, consistency, and courage.“ If we want cultural, institutional, and interpersonal health, we need to stop giving out free passes for bad behavior/characters. Accountability is not a punishment– it’s the path to repair and integrity.

It’s appreciated if you add a like, subscribe and share this post to others. Then join the conversation. There’s plenty more where this came from so check out some previous conversations.

Keep scrolling down for more of this conversation.