By Patrick Hardeman– In and Out of Darkness

Regardless of how we were raised, at some point, we have to stop using our upbringing as permission to remain the same. Maybe communication wasn’t a strong suit in your household. Maybe nobody showed you what healthy love looks like. Perhaps disagreements were handled through shouting, silence, or pretending nothing happened the next morning. Whatever the circumstances, many of us entered adulthood carrying lessons we never consciously agreed to learn.

As children, we generally accept our surroundings because we have little else to compare them to. What happens inside our homes becomes our earliest understanding of relationships, respect, communication, and accountability. But adulthood introduces us to different people, experiences, and perspectives. Eventually, we have opportunities to question whether the things we’ve always considered normal are actually healthy.

Our upbringing may explain certain behaviors, but it doesn’t mean we’re obligated to continue them. And sometimes, the people we surround ourselves with have more influence over that decision than we realize.

We’ve all heard the expression, “Iron sharpens iron.” But if that’s true, why are some of us associating with butter knives and expecting to become sharper? Hanging around people who can’t cut through a steak, yet proudly announcing, “That’s my circle!”

Now, there’s nothing wrong with loyalty, but if everyone in the kitchen is struggling with the same steak, perhaps somebody should consider sharpening a knife instead of blaming the meat.

Think about it. If everyone agrees with us, nobody challenges our thinking, nobody feels comfortable telling us when we’re wrong, how exactly are we expecting to improve? We might feel supported, but there’s a difference between genuine encouragement and being surrounded by people who reinforce everything we already believe.

The goal isn’t to surround ourselves exclusively with successful, highly educated, or financially accomplished individuals. Some of the wisest people I’ve encountered didn’t have impressive titles or expensive possessions. What matters is whether the people closest to us contribute something meaningful beyond companionship and agreement.

When Comfort Becomes Too Comfortable

Human beings naturally gravitate toward familiarity. We enjoy spending time with people who understand our experiences, share our interests, and make us feel accepted. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Having a sense of belonging is important to our emotional well-being.

However, when everyone around us shares the same habits and assumptions, we can unintentionally create an environment where nobody questions whether there’s a better approach.

Consider someone who grew up believing that raising your voice is simply how disagreements are resolved. If their friends and partners communicate the same way, that behavior continues to feel normal. Meanwhile, someone raised to avoid difficult conversations might mistake silence for emotional maturity, even when important issues remain unresolved.

Neither person necessarily intends to create unhealthy relationships. They’re often repeating what they’ve learned.

Sometimes all it takes is witnessing someone handle a disagreement with patience, accept responsibility without becoming defensive, or express affection without conditions to realize there’s another way.

And imagine how many unnecessary arguments could be avoided if more people understood that every conversation doesn’t require a winner and a loser.

Being challenged, however, shouldn’t mean tolerating disrespect. There’s a difference between someone offering constructive honesty and someone who simply enjoys criticizing others. Healthy relationships should provide enough security for disagreement without making people feel that the relationship itself is threatened.

Growth Works Both Ways

Something else worth considering is whether we’re offering the same qualities we expect from others.

It’s easy to recognize the importance of accountability when discussing someone else’s behavior. We appreciate honest friends, responsible partners, and trustworthy colleagues. But when someone questions our own decisions, that appreciation can suddenly become a little less enthusiastic.

Can we listen to another perspective without immediately preparing our defense? Can we acknowledge a mistake without believing it somehow diminishes our worth? And when someone we care about makes a questionable decision, do we help them recognize it, or automatically agree because they’re part of our circle?

Genuine loyalty doesn’t require unconditional agreement. Sometimes supporting someone means celebrating their accomplishments, while other times it means having a conversation they might not particularly enjoy but genuinely need.

Of course, none of us gets everything right. That’s precisely why having people who care enough to offer another perspective can be so valuable.

And we should remember that wisdom isn’t reserved for people with impressive credentials. A child can ask a question that changes an adult’s perspective, just as someone with completely different life experiences can introduce us to possibilities we’ve never considered.

Your Past Doesn’t Have to Determine Your Future

Childhood experiences can have lasting effects on how we communicate, form relationships, and respond to conflict. Those influences are real, and changing deeply established habits isn’t always easy.

Fortunately, our ability to learn doesn’t expire when we reach adulthood. Through neuroplasticity, our brains continue adapting as we develop new skills and patterns of behavior. Meaningful change often requires practice, patience, and sometimes additional support, but it’s possible.

If nobody taught us healthy communication, we can learn it. If affection was absent from our childhood, we can discover healthier ways to express it. If accountability wasn’t modeled in our household, we can decide to practice it ourselves.

And sometimes that process begins simply by spending time with people who demonstrate what we haven’t experienced.

So, Who’s in Your Circle?

Auditing your circle isn’t simply about recognizing who’s helping you grow. It’s also about having the courage to acknowledge who’s been encouraging you to remain exactly where you are, particularly when the behaviors they’re supporting have already caused unnecessary damage in your life.

Not everyone we’ve given access to our lives deserves to keep it. History, loyalty, and familiarity shouldn’t become lifetime memberships, especially when someone consistently encourages our worst habits, excuses destructive behavior, or becomes uncomfortable whenever we begin making healthier decisions. Sometimes people genuinely want what’s best for us, while others prefer the version of us that requires the least growth from them. And there’s a significant difference between someone accepting us for who we are and someone discouraging us from becoming better.

This doesn’t mean everyone who challenges our progress is deliberately holding us back, nor should we mistake every disagreement for opposition. But when someone repeatedly celebrates our poor decisions, dismisses our efforts to change, or encourage behaviors we’ve worked hard to overcome, we shouldn’t be willing to ask why we’re continuing to give them influence over our lives.

And that examination must include ourselves. Are we encouraging the people we care about to become better, or are we more comfortable when they remain familiar? Can we celebrate someone’s growth even when it changes the dynamics of our relationship? Genuine support shouldn’t depend on someone remaining the same person we met years ago.

At some point, regardless of what we learned in our households, we all have a responsibility to continue growing. We can appreciate the people who helped us through earlier chapters of life without insisting they belong in every chapter that follows. Some relationships deserve stronger foundations, others deserve honest conversations, and some have simply reached their expiration date.

So audit your circle, but don’t forget to examine yourself. Because iron sharpens iron, and there’s little value in holding on to people who would rather keep you dull than watch you become sharper.

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