By Patrick Hardeman – In and Out of Darkness

We’ve all seen the warning labels.

“May cause dizziness, nausea, poor judgment, and a sudden urge to text you ex at 2:17 a.m.”

But nobody ever talks about the side effects of the people we keep around us.

See, we’ve been sold a lie that time equals loyalty. That just because someone has been in your life for 10, 15, 20 years… they’ve somehow earned VIP access to your peace or your future.

Let me save you some time: Longevity does not equal quality.

You can know someone for 20 years and still not be safe around them.

Familiar Doesn’t Mean Good for You

We confuse shared history with shared values.

Just because y’all survived the same parties, bad decisions, and questionable outfit choices… doesn’t mean you’re aligned in growth.

Sometimes all that’s proven is a similar tolerance for chaos.

And let’s be honest– Some friendships were built on dysfunction.

You weren’t bonding… you were coping Together.

That’s not friendship. That’s a support group that never wanted to get better.

The “Comfortably Toxic” Friend

You know that one.

They don’t challenge you.

They don’t correct you.

They don’t elevate you.

But they will absolutely:

• Co-sign on bad decisions
• Normalize chaos
• Keep you right where you are

Because if you grow…

They lose access to the version of you that made them feel comfortable.

And some can’t have that.

Misery doesn’t just love company – it recruits.

Audit the influence, Not the Memories

We love saying,

“That’s my friend, we’ve been through everything together.”

Cool.

But what exactly did y’all go through?

Growth?

Or just repeated cycles with better outfits and more expensive drinks?

Because partying together is not a personality trait. And surviving reckless behavior together does not make someone a “real one.”

It just means neither of you had a good exit strategy.

A Real Friend Will Disrupt Your Comfort

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable.

A real friend will:

• Tell you when you’re moving wrong or dangerous
• Check you when decisions don’t match your goals
• Challenge your thinking, not protecting your ego

Not to tear you down… But to keep you from tearing yourself down.

Because a real friend is invested in your growth, not your approval.

Watch What They Allow in Their Own Life

Here’s a quick test:

Look at what they tolerate.

• Constant chaos in relationships
• Shady behavior at work
• Zero accountability in their decisions

Now ask yourself:

Why would someone who accepts dysfunction in their own life suddenly protect you from it in yours?

They won’t.

People don’t give what they don’t live.

The Excuse Factory

One of the most dangerous friends is the one who explains away your suffering.

“Oh, it’s not that bad…”

“At least they’re better than before…”

“You’re overreacting…”

No.

That’s not support.

That’s conditioning.

A real friend doesn’t help you adjust to dysfunction.

They help you recognize it–and get out of it.

You Might Not Have Friends… You Might Have Liabilities or anchors

I know that stings a little.

But if your circle has been:

• Encouraging chaos
• Minimizing your growth
• Benefiting from your confusion

Then you don’t have a support system.

You have a liability network.

And they’ve been cashing in on your access.

This Isn’t About Cutting Everyone Off

Relax–we’re not doing a dramatic “delete all contacts” moment like it’s 2007.

This is about auditing access.

Everyone doesn’t deserve:

• Your time
• Your vulnerability
• Your decision-making space

Some people are acquaintances.

Some are seasonal.

Some need to be put on Do Not Disturb… permanently.

The Real Question

At the end of the day, it’s simple:

Has this person helped me become a better, safer, stronger version of of myself?

Not entertained you.

Not distracted you.

Not helped you survive bad decisions.

But actually helped you grow.

Because if not…

You’re not holding onto a friendship.

You’re holding onto familiarity.

And familiarity has kept a lot of people stuck.

Mic Drop

Everyone who’s been around you… hasn’t been for you. Choose accordingly.

“Growth will cost you people who were only comfortable with your struggles, and there fun.”

“Who in your life benefits more from you staying the same than from you growing?”

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